To The PuppetMaster 9000 and 1! What If? ::1::
by Nanniko
Summary: Welcome to the very first story of the 'What If' series! Brought to you by the PuppetMaster 9000 and 1! What if... The male shinobi from Naruto traded places with the host club members? You would get Ninja Hosts and Ouran Shinobi of course! COMPLETED
1. The Ninja Hosts

DISCLAIMER: I don't own Naruto or Ouran High School Host Club

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Part One: Konoha High School Host Club

Konoha High School. An academy for the richest of the rich, the children from the most elite of families. It is an place of elegance, opulence, and class. Amidst the wide staircases, arching hallways, and spiraling towers, there is a place where these wealthy young men and women gather to spend their free time. It is a luxurious and beautiful sanctuary where the handsomest of boys with too much time on their hands entertain the most beautiful of young ladies who also have too much time on their hands. Welcome to the Konoha High School Host Club!

The doors to Music Room #3 opened to the Host Club. It has accumulated many hosts (against their will and of their own free will) ever since Lee forced Neji to start it with him. Lee had some great inspiration to start a club to bring happiness to the ladies of the school. Neji, not wanting to see his friend fall into the jaws of social suicide, helped him recruit others. And so, we have the Konoha High School Host Club!

Lee is the happy, graceful, polite, slightly air-headed and well-mannered President of the club. [Bahaha! What, did you think Naruto would be the one in Tamaki's position?]

Neji is the calm, serious, hard-working Vice President that is very passionate about inheriting his parents' business over his other more credible relatives. [I think Neji fit the role of Kyouya a little better than Sasuke. It would only make sense for him to be with Lee anyways (as friends, guys, as friends)]

Then we have the other members. Naruto is the hyperactive blonde that is full of determination, is always happy (or determined), is always eating ramen and is totally full of himself. He tends to spend his time with Sasuke who he claims to be his rival and best friend. [Yeah, he's Hunny. Only ramen version]

Sasuke is the dark, mysterious member who unwillingly joined and is frequently admired from afar. He receives many squeals of delight whenever he scans the room. He has unknown intentions but appears to not mind Naruto's company. [And yes, he's Mori. He and Naruto have that Haninozuka and Morinozuka kind of bond]

Then there is Chouji. The chubby ball that loves to eat. Ask him anything about food and he will surely know the answer, for his parents are big food industry suppliers. He is frequently seen with Shikamaru and the two tend to come as a pair (also unwilling members).

Shikamaru is a fit, lazy boy who spends most of his time sleeping and lazing around. When he's sound asleep, it's the most perfect time to snuggle up to him. Though quite the opposite of Chouji (if he's hungry and the food is too far, he won't bother) they are the best of friends. [It's like a parallel universe of Hikaru and Kaoru. Only not. Cut me some slack, none of them really fit the twins' relationship. It could be Guy and Lee, but I thought that would be weird...]

Kiba is another hyper one that is quite the playboy of the group. He is always found with his canine companion, Akamaru. [He's the nasty little elementary boy, Shirou Takaouji]

And last but not least, there's Shino. The newest edition to the group, he's a shy, withdrawn guy that has no fear of insects but cannot stand thunderstorms. He is quite indifferent and practical and is always gentle with the girls. [I guess Shino is Haruhi. I mean, Kiba _can't_ be Haruhi. Could you imagine that?! Playboy Haruhi?!]

Then there are the three teachers, who are not part of the host club, but approved of it and help with the funding and events, Kakashi, Guy and Asuma.

Kakashi and Guy are rival teachers who constantly compete to be the best (one tends to be more enthusiastic than the other). Kakashi, the cool teacher with the mysterious covered eye and Guy, the enthusiastic, all fun and games teacher. Asuma is the cool, chain smoker which many girls find attractive. They have an indirect positive effect on the host club's client numbers.

So, back to where this started.

The doors of the Host Club opened to welcome its many patrons.

Naruto was eating ramen at a table with Sasuke leaning on a wall behind him. Chouji was eating as much as he could while Shikamaru leaned over onto girls to make a pillow out of them. Lee had a circle of girls that were questioning about his connection with Guy-sensei while Neji had his clipboard in hand, working away. Kiba was laughing with his arms stretched out in the middle of a couch while Shino was sitting at a small table with his few admirers. Guy had come in to visit and was chatting with Lee and a few girls.

At the end of the Host Club session, Guy had left and Shino decided to get changed and return home. While the other members hung out and waited for Shino, Lee wanted to make a suggestion to Shino. He pulled away the curtain and was about to cheerfully speak his mind when he saw Shino half-naked. Lee's eyes bugged out and his jaw dropped as he stared and then quickly shut the curtain, running at light speed to the other side of the room. Somewhere, a light bulb turned on.

While Lee was traumatized in the corner, Shino came back out in his regular clothes. Did I mention that Shino had just joined today?

"SHINO!" Lee jumped up and grabbed his arms with a watery expression, "You're a girl? You're not really a girl are you?"

"..." Shino was shocked by Lee's reaction. It was so extreme.

"What, you didn't know?" Neji asked.

"NO! Why didn't anyone tell me!"

"We thought you knew." Shikamaru explained.

"Yeah, we were just going along, we thought you knew what you were doing." Chouji said.

"She has to pay us back anyways." Neji said.

"Pay you back? I didn't do anything, you guys just grabbed me and dressed me up and didn't let me leave!" Shino protested.

"Shut up, you owe us. You can't back out of this, there is no way out." [It's your DESTINY! Kidding :3]

"Wasn't it fun though Shino? You should stay; you make a pretty good host." Naruto said.

"But, I'm a girl - "

"Who owes us." Neji interrupted.

"For what? I haven't _done_ anything. At all!" Shino threw his arm back which made contact with a Buddhist statue and made a loud bang as it knocked down the next statue and then the statue after it which made a huge hole in the wall. Shino gawked at what he had done. The statues weren't even there before.

"I told you. Now you have a debt to us." Neji said. He walked over to the statues. "Let's see those statues were authentic, as is every other piece in this room. Total cost of the statues and replacing the whole wall - "

"The _whole_ wall?"

"Means that the debt will be 630 000 yen."

"What?" Shino croaked.

"Looks like you'll be working for us for a while, Shino."

"Why the _whole_ wall?"

"We can't have one part of the wall looking worse for wear." Chouji explained.

"Everything needs to be in tip top shape." Shikamaru added.

"Yay! Shino gets to stay!" Naruto jumped up and down.

Things were not looking good for Shino.

Now for a glimpse of a day in the life of a Konoha High School Host...

"Welcome to the Host Club!" Lee exclaimed graciously. Lee lead his many clients towards some seats and began to tell heroic tales of saving many princesses like themselves ("Any day and at any time, I would go to the ends of the earth to save you, my dear princess.") And so, another session started.

"Neji," one of the girls started, "Why don't you take a break and join us for some tea? You've been at your laptop all day."

"Oh, I have only been working on putting together a photo book of some very memorable moments within the Host Club. I'm sure you all remember last Christmas?"

"Oh, we do! We do!"

"Would like a... sneak preview?"

"Kyaaa!!"

"Ah, have you ever tried ramen, princess?" Naruto asked one of his admirers.

"Why no I haven't. I haven't even heard of it. Isn't it... commoner's food?"

"No way! Not this ramen. It has top of the line spices imported from India, vegetables grown right here in Japan and hearty noodles cooked to perfection, never dried. _This_ is very high class."

"Oh, then, I guess a taste wouldn't hurt me." *Giggle*

"I want to try some, too, Naruto-kun!" Another princess said.

"Um," The first princess said, "S-Sasuke, would you like to eat with us?"

Sasuke looked darkly upon the girl and said, "I'm sorry to disappoint you but I am not hungry." He swished his hair a little and smirked. "Some tea and your company will give me warmth though."

The girls squealed with delight but Sasuke merely took a cup of tea and resumed his position against the wall. The girls were wondering why he didn't join them (when he said he would) but then deemed him to be too shy and found his behaviour 'so cute'.

"Your hair," Shikamaru whispered romantically, "It has the essence of a cloud. It is light, wispy and full... full of amazing beauty and freedom."

"Oh, stop it Shikamaru."

"Okay. It's a shame though, that my words are unappreciated."

"What? No, I do appreciate your words!"

"Chouji, I'm afraid that I have felt heart break... for the first time today."

"Shikamaru," Chouji said, "stop playing with her; you're putting her to tears."

Shikamaru looked back at the princess and her watery eyes.

"Ah! I meant you no harm; I just want to be... loved."

"But you are loved Shikamaru! _I_ love you!"

"Your words make me so happy!"

"Kya, Chouji, I don't know how Shikamaru could live without you! You're such an amazing friend to him!" One of Chouji's admirers said.

"Yes," Chouji agreed, "Although, for being such a smart guy, he can be a little dim every now and then."

"Chouji!" Shikamaru whined, "How could you say that!"

"Don't worry Shikamaru, I still love you."

"Ugh, you put so much stress of my feelings."

"If only there were other places to meet, other than in this room," Kiba sighed.

"Any time with you is good enough for me, Kiba." An admirer said.

"Ah, but _alone_ time would be much better, don't you agree?"

"Oh, Kiba! Bad thoughts, bad thoughts!" *Giggles*

"Why not? You, me, my place, tonight." Kiba smirked.

"Please Kiba, control yourself! However much I want to I just can't!"

"Oh, was that a slip of the tongue? How much do you _want_ to?"

"Kiba!"Another princess said, "I'll go, I'll go with you!"

"No, me, I want to go!"

"Take me Kiba, me!"

"He asked me first!"

And so they continued to argue, fighting over Kiba.

Shino was at a loss as to what to do. The Host Club was in full swing. He [I'm going to continue calling Shino a 'he' even though he's a girl in this] was standing with Kakashi-sensei who had decided to pop in to see how things were going.

"So, what's it like to be a host?"

"It's uh, interesting. I guess." Shino replied.

"You of all people, I would not expect to be a host. What brought you into this?"

"Uh, I'm kind of... in debt to them."

"Oh, returning a good deed?"

"Not quite. More like payment for a bad deed."

"Tsk, tsk. What did you do?"

"I, uh - "

"Hello, Kakashi!" Guy interrupted Shino's reply.

"Oh, hello Guy." Shino took this chance to slip away. He left Kakashi and Guy chatting.

Shino ended up running into Neji. Actually running into him. He fell to the floor.

"Shino, I didn't see you there. I'm sorry."

"Ah, no, I wasn't watching where I was going."

Neji held out a hand to help him up. Shino, surprised, took it and got to his feet. Squeals could be heard in t background. Shino sweat-dropped.

"Is it always like this?"

"Of course. They get even more excited at special events and theme days."

"Oh god."

Suddenly, a giant black box crashed through the window of Music Room #3. Many of the hosts quickly grabbed the girls and jumped to safety. Shino stood in complete shock while Neji merely stared.

"Hm, what could this be?"

Shino gave Neji a bewildered look. "You're not in the least concerned that a giant box came crashing through your window?"

"Of course I'm concerned. I'm just more curious about what is inside the box."

Neji walked up to it and tapped it. He walked around it and then looked on top.

"There appears to be a letter."

"What, a letter?" Chouji asked.

"What kind of letter?" Shikamaru questioned.

"Woah, a box!" Naruto yelled. He jumped up on top and started spinning.

"What is the meaning of this?" Lee said.

"It appears as if we have rivals." Neji answered. He then proceeded to open the box.

"No!" Shikamaru yelled. "Don't open it!" He crept up behind Neji and grabbed his shoulder with both hands, peeking at the box. "You have no idea what is in it."

Chouji leered on the other side of Neji. "It could be something dangerous."

"Like a ferocious beast." Shikamaru suggested.

"Or a bomb." Chouji added.

"Or a poisonous gas."

"Or an army of man-eating ants."

"Or a black hole."

"Or a parade of clowns."

"Or a samurai."

"Or... a NINJA!"

"I doubt that there is such a thing in this box." Neji said. "So stop scaring the girls."

The majority of them had run away, convinced that everything Shikamaru and Chouji had claimed could be in the box, was in the box.

"What does the letter say, Neji?" Naruto asked, leaning over the edge of the top of the box.

"The letter says," Neji began, "We are the Ouran Shinobi - "

"Hah! It's a NINJA!" Chouji exclaimed.

Neji sighed. "We are the Ouran Shinobi who hail from Tokyo - "

"Tokyo? I've never heard of a place like that. What a stupid name." Kiba said.

"Will you let me finish?" Neji asked angrily. "Who hail from Tokyo. We have recognized your activities and are happy that there are others that participate in the bringing of happiness to the ladies of the world. You are praised for your work. Although we may be in the same field, we are rivalries for the love of many young ladies. As a peace offering, we have given you this present."

"Peace offering? We've never even heard of them." Lee said.

"Open the present, open the present! I hope it's ramen." Naruto said.

"Ah," Sasuke agreed.

"All you want is ramen." Shikamaru said.

"All you talk about is ramen." Chouji said.

"All you _eat_ is ramen." Both Chouji and Shikamaru said. "Don't you eat anything else?"

"But, ramen is amazing!" Naruto whined.

"It doesn't matter; get off the box so I can open it, Naruto." Neji said.

Shino was still in complete shock. Is this the daily life of the Konoha Host Club members? How can Shino live in an environment like this?

Neji opened the box and confetti along with party noises popped out. A blow up Tamaki sprung up from the box as a voice recording was turned on.

"Fellow hosts! I bring thee a present worthy of such elegance as yours!"

The blow up Tamaki had a box in its hands. The lid opened and the fake Tamaki leaned forward with a stupid smile. The purpose of the blow up Tamaki was to hand the cake over, but instead, the cake in the box in his hands hit Neji right in the face.

There was a pause while the party noises continued and confetti continued to fall. Neji punched the blow up Tamaki back which flopped back and forth. Everyone had a look of shock on their face. Neji wiped the cake off his face and growled.

"Peace offering my ass. _This_ means WAR!"

And that's a day in the life of a Konoha High School Host!

Next chapter is a day in the life of an Ouran Shinobi. What will the Konoha Hosts do to get revenge?

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Uh, yeah. I didn't include Asuma... My bad, heh ^.^"


	2. The Ouran Shinobi

Haruhi sighed. Just another day on the job for her. She was heading over to the Hokage's office. Her teammates were going to meet her there. She knocked on the door when she arrived.

"It's Haruhi. I'm coming in."

"Haruhi!"

"You're late, you know."

Hikaru and Kaoru looked back at her, smiling.

Tsunade-sama tapped her fingers and shook her head. Hikaru and Kaoru turned to face her. "Please Haruhi, be on time for these things." Hikaru and Kaoru snickered.

"I'm sorry, Tsunade-sama. I'll be on time next time." Haruhi didn't know how she ever dealt with these two.

"So, Tsunade-sama, what have you got for us?" Hikaru asked.

"There's been a disturbance in a small village north-west from here. People, tourists especially, take hikes and never come back. There have been searches which turn up nothing, but no one disappears from these searches. They've requested our help, to investigate and confront whoever is taking these people. If it is a person. Kyouya will be going with you and he is the leader."

"What?" Hikaru said, "He's still coming with us? Can't we do missions on our own yet?"

"No," Tsunade-sama answered, "You two are still far too immature for your own good."

"Come on Tsunade-sama," Kaoru said, "Haruhi can keep us in check. Right Haruhi?" Kaoru put Haruhi in a headlock.

"Yeah, Haruhi can be the leader!"

Tsunade glared at the three of them. "I don't think Haruhi is fit to be a leader." Haruhi sweat-dropped. There's no doubt about that.

And so, the four of them headed off to the small village with the strange disappearances. When they got there, it seemed deserted. It seemed like a ghost town. Anyone they met was very dark and hostile. They began their investigation at a local bar, interviewing the inhabitants about the recent disappearances. Suddenly, the doors were thrown open with gusto and three people walked in.

"Ah! Another success. We're celebrating here!"

"You know you can't drink, Tama."

"Ah."

"It's not about the drinking; it's about spreading the joy after helping others! Oh," Tamaki finally notice the other four ninja, "Kyouya, Hikaru, Kaoru, fancy meeting you here!"

The bar had gone silent, many of the men looking at the ninja with annoyance.

"And HARUHI!" Tamaki ran over and attempted to huggle Haruhi, put she stuck her hand out and held his face far away from her.

"Hello Tamaki, Hunny, Mori. Nice to meet you here." Kyouya said.

"Hi Kyouya! We just finished another mission. There were some really mean bandits, but we took care of them!" Hunny exclaimed.

"Ah." Mori agreed.

"Hey," Tamaki started, "you three are still going on missions with Kyouya? Shouldn't you be without your sensei by now?"

"You're one to talk, M'Lord," Kaoru said, "How many times did it take for you to pass the Academy exam?"

"What?" Hikaru said, feigning surprise, "He passed? When? No one ever told me." Hikaru and Kaoru laughed.

Tamaki had tears in his eyes. "I did not! I just made a few mistakes, everyone makes mistakes!"

"Oh, I remember that," Haruhi said, "I helped you pass didn't I?"

"More like did it for him." Hikaru and Kaoru snickered.

"Enough of your chatter, we need to finish our mission." Kyouya said.

"Ah, you're here on a mission? Let Hunny help!" Hunny said happily.

"No," Kyouya said, "They have to do it on their own. They need the experience." He pushed up his glasses. Hunny, saddened, went to the bar and asked for cake, but they didn't have any.

"All right, let's go investigate the hills." Kyouya said.

"Okay." Haruhi agreed. She started walking towards the doors. The other two boys of Team Kyouya began to walk out with Kyouya when the bartender suddenly flew by. Haruhi turned around to see Hunny standing on the counter, furious.

"How. Can. You. Not. Have. CAKE?!"

Hunny grabbed a table near the bar and threw it across the room. It hit Tamaki, who flew back and hit Haruhi. Both flew out the bar doors. They landed on the dirt road outside. Hunny continued to make a racket indoors.

"AH! Haruhi, are you okay? Are you hurt? Did I hurt you?"

"Tamaki, calm down. I'm fine."

"OH, THANK GOD. You're okay!" Tamaki threw his arms out and smothered Haruhi.

"Excuse me," A cloaked figure said, "are you two okay? I saw you fly out from that building."

Tamaki looked up at the figure. "Yes, we're fine. Thank you." The figure flinched and took a few steps back.

"It's you!" Then the figure ran away, towards a hilly area.

Tamaki's expression went blank. "Huh? Eh? Who was he?"

"Who knows?" Haruhi responded, standing up and brushing herself off. The rest of the ninjas came out, Mori carrying a teary Hunny under his arm.

An annoyed Kyouya pushed his glasses up again. "All right, let's go."

"We should get going too, Tamaki." Mori said.

"No! We can't. A mysterious man who recognized me just ran to the hills! I must find out who he is!"

"You and your fantasies M'Lord." Hikaru sighed.

"You were heading to the hills anyways, right Kyouya?" Tamaki said hopefully. "We'll just go with you!"

And so, Kyouya was stuck with Tamaki for a little while longer. The shinobi bishies followed the mysterious man to the hills. After some time, they finally tracked down a hidden area that was virtually impossible to get to. Unless you're a ninja. They passed the treacherous ground and came upon a discreet hidey hole. It was obviously man-made, so, this act of making a secret hideout was premeditated. They entered carefully and noticed that it was a long tunnel with torches every few feet. They continued until they reached an area that had a high ceiling. There was nothing but stone walls and dirt, but, on the other side there was a cloaked figure.

"Hey!" Kyouya yelled.

The figure turned around and ran towards an opening on the other side of the cave.

"Stop!" Tamaki commanded. The figure kept on running but was stopped by Hikaru and Kaoru who appeared with a poof at the other opening.

"Where are you going?" Kaoru questioned.

"We just met; you can't be leaving so soon." Hikaru said.

"Let's see who you are under there!" Hunny jumped up and landed on the person's shoulders then jumped off with the cloak. The person looked around frightened. Everyone else froze.

"You're a girl?" Tamaki said unbelievingly.

"Yeah, I'm a girl. What do you guys want?"

"Tamaki here," Kyouya said, "said that you seemed to know him. There have also been some strange disappearances within these hills, so we've come to investigate. How do you know him and what do you know about the disappearances?"

"Well, you certainly cut to the chase. I've heard of the disappearances. I decided to come and investigate. And him," she nodded towards Tamaki, "I saw in the other village. He was harassing me, I didn't want to be around him."

Kaoru looked at Tamaki. "You were harassing her?" Both Hikaru and Kaoru said, "What have you done now?"

"Oh!" Tamaki said with sudden realization. "You were the lovely young princess who helped us with our mission. I didn't harass you! I was being a gentleman!"

"Oh, please." The girl said. "I call that harassment, you and your hand-kissing and hair-touching and strange pick-up lines." Tamaki's form turned white and he floated to the wall.

"Ah, you've gone and upset M'Lord, now" Hikaru said.

The girl narrowed her eyes and she made a hand sign. Mori noticed and proceeded to tackle her, but she disappeared in a puff of smoke. Kyouya sighed and massaged his forehead. Things weren't getting any better and Tamaki was slowing them down.

"Let's continue. That girl is of no use to us" Kyouya stated.

"Okay!" Hunny said.

"No," Kyouya said, "Tamaki has found out what he wanted, he can leave now. Haruhi, let's go."

Haruhi had gone over to Tamaki, trying feebly to cheer him up a little. She stood up and left with Kyouya when he told her to. They continued down the other tunnel.

"Tama," Hunny said, "Kyouya and them have all left."

"Left…?" Tamaki said with a hollow voice.

"They told us to go back. I don't want to go back." Hunny pouted.

Tamaki suddenly snapped out of his depression. "Go back? There's no reason to. Let's go and find them!"

And so, Tamaki, Hunny and Mori followed Team Kyouya. When they reached the end of the second tunnel, it was another cave and a dead end. There was an opening at the top that let in light. The four ninja were looking around.

"Tamaki, I thought I told you to leave."

"You can't boss me around Kyouya. And besides, this is fun!"

Suddenly, a giant box fell through the hole above them.

"What the - " Hikaru said.

"A box?" Kyouya questioned. Is a box the cause of all the disappearances?"

"Uh, I don't think that makes sense Kyouya." Haruhi said.

"Wow. That's a big box." Hunny said.

"Ah." Mori agreed.

Kyouya walked around the box, found a flap and lifted it open.

A giant cake sprang out with a blow up Tamaki. It smushed the cake against Kyouya's face. There was a pause. The cake sprang off and the voice recording said, "HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!...HA!"

"Tamaki," Kyouya said darkly, "what have you done now?"

_THE END_


End file.
